The Alternative Highway Code


The Joy Rider

Pedestrians

Walking is sad man!!

Drivers

Being under age, you are lucky that the laws of the road don't apply to you,
so you can drive like a fucking lunatic.

The vehicle

Ideally, your car should belong to someone else.

General driving

Drive as fast as posible, preferably through council housing estates.
Drink a bottle of cider, or sniff a few tubes of glue before you set out on the road.
If for some reason you need to stop, use only your handbrake and make sure you
complete a full 360 degree turn otherwise you're a geek! Also remember to remove
at least six inches of rubber from the tyres when pulling off.

Breakdowns and Accidents

If your vehicle breaks down rip out the stereo before setting fire to it on some wasteland.
Always carry a cassette tape of your fave sounds which may be used to bring you out of a
coma following an accident.

Speed

It's fuckin' brill ain't it?!

Other Road users

Coppers

The Woman

Pedestrians

Walking is most advisable for lady drivers, preferably whilst pushing a shopping trolley,
pushchair, or other object that doesn't cost hundreds of quid to repair.

Drivers

It is often claimed that women drivers are far superior to men, these claims are backed
by insurance companies who insist their records show there are fewer women involved in
accidents than men. What the records fail to show are the number of accidents caused by
women who drive away inocently, unaware of the carnage they have left behind...So there!!

The vehicle

Before you drive off you must make a number of essential checks :
1. Make sure your seat is adjusted so that you are so close against the dash that your
tits are squelched up against the windscreen.
2. The colour of the car doesn't clash with your outfit.
3. There is enough petrol to get you to the shops and back (at least 3 quaters of a tank).
4. You have your driving slippers on.

General Driving

Junctions, roundabouts, pedestrian crossings and traffic lights are potentially lethal
hazards and can cause panic attacks, so approach them with caution, take as long as you like,
there's no rush.
motorways are really dangerous places with great big lorries and cars doing over 40MPH,
avoid tham. If you accidentally take a rong turn on the way back from picking the kids up
from school and find yourself heading down the motorway either :
a. Panic and reverse back up the slip road.
b. Panic and carry on down the hard shoulder until you reach the next exit.
c. Carry on down the hard shoulder until you find a suitable spot for a picnic.

Breakdowns and Accidents

If you breakdown, cry and accuse your husband / boyfriend of being a pig for not servicing
your car properly, then ring the AA for a prompt, preferantial lady on her own,
five minute call out, even though you are only a street away from home.

Speed

Nothing more that 25MPH, unless you are late for an Anne Summers party, then drive like
Damon Hill.

Other Road Users

Other road users are other people who are on the road at the same time as you...not that
you'd notice!

The Piss Head

Pedestrians

Fuck walking!...It's far too complicated and besides, with all that swaying about,
walking backwards and momentary halts to say "fug arf yer basts", it not only takes ages
to get from A to B, but it's also twice the distance. So use the car instead!

Drivers

It's a well known fact that when you're as pissed as a cunt you become a much better driver.
Your eyesight improves enormously when you've had a face full of booze which means you don't
need to use your lights if it's dark. In fact for the most of your journey you don't even
have to look where you're going at all. And if you do need to concentrate on the odd sign
or blue flashing light, you usually find one eye does the job sufficiently enough.

The Vehicle

The car itself is generally much easier to drive whilst under the influence of a pint or ten.
Gears become virtually redundent, you can go for miles in first which saves effort on all
that unecessary shifting and changeing. You don't need the brakes either when you're half
cut because you don't need to stop, apart from at the end of your journey, and then they
are usually that you overshoot your destination by a mile or two.
Indicators, mirrors, seatbelts, fuel gauge...all unecessary accessories that you can do
without, because of your alcoholic enhanced driving skills.

General Driving

Junctions, roundabouts, pedestrian crossings and traffic lights are potentially lethal
hazards, so get past them as quickly as possible.
Motorways are brilliant, there are four lanes (including the hard shoulder) to choose from.
They're so wide that if you miss your turn off, you don't need to piss about doing a three
point turn, you can do a U turn. Watch out for road works; you can test your driving ability
by seeing how many cones you can knock over.

Breakdown and Accidents

If you breakdown, get out of your car and kick fuck out of the wings, if it still fails to
start try again, and again, and again until you are arrested.
In the event of an accident leg it.

Speed

If you can get hold of some, it will improve your driving even more!

Other Road Users

Fuck 'em!!

The Fogey

Pedestrians

A pedestrian is what you used to be before the war.

Drivers

Being an old aged pensioner and having fought numerous wars for your country you have the
Right to tootle about at a speed more accustomed to the 1920's than the 1990's.
And because you lost various limbs while fightiong in these wars you are entitled to display
an orange sticker which allows you to park anywhere, confiscate footballs that roll under
your car, and use a bead seat cover thingy.

The Vehicle

Your car should be a brand new bottom of the range economy diesel, that does about 300 miles
to the gallon. It should be cleaned thoroughly at least three times a day, even though it is
garaged and you only use it twice a fortnight to visit you son / daughter who lives a mile
away.

General Driving

Make sure you have your mono wireless tuned into Radio Arthur Askey and turn it up to full
so that you can ahrdly hear it. When reversing out of your drive take at least an hour and
make sure you hit the gate post three or four times as you shunt back and forth.
Whilst driving to your offspring's at the regulation 10MPH as is suggested in you
1922 AA Handbook. Do not use the clutch, it's just one of those unnecessary new fangled gadgets.

Breakdown and Accidents

Don't worry about breakdowns, you only do fifty odd miles a year. Unfortunately during those
fifty miles it's likely that you'll cause hundreds of accidents, but again don't worry,
Like the woman driver, although you cause them, you don't actually get involved in them.

Speed

Speed is a thing for spitfires and Donald Cambell.

Other Road Users

Other road users are those people who keep hurling abuse at you and make gestures using their
fingers.

The Road Rager

Pedestrians

Run the bastards down!

Drivers

You have the right of way in every conceivable situation and if any cunt objects then cave
their fucking skulls in.

The Vehicle

Your car is a battering ram!

General Driving

You are the king of the road, you can jump lights, nick someone's parking space, cut up other
drivers, blind folk with your headlights, tailgate and queue jump, but if anyone tries it on
you, you'll twat 'em!!

Breakdowns and Accidents

Breakdowns are a pain in the bastard arse and happen just to annoy you. If anyone comes near
you if you break down, they become an accident.

Speed

Speed comes in handy when you need to catch the wanker who tried to out stare you at the lights.

Other Road users

Cunts!!!

The Future

The future isn't with us yet, but it will be one day, so here we take a look ahead and
speculate as to what tomorrow has in store

Pedestrians

Whats a pedestrian?

Drivers

Make sure your driver is well oiled and regularly make back up copies of it's hard drive.

The vehicle

Most vehicles these days are thought programmed and can morph into various shapes and sizes.
The new Ford ߵ for example is a family saloon, an estate, a pick up, a star figter and a
milk float all morphed from a piece of matchbox sized morphoplast(TM).

General Driving

In most modern vehicles you don't generally need to drive, just think about where you'd like
to go and your droid will whisk you off. The main hazard with space travel is the Gorexi
warriors from Beta Zone 198735 who will try to blast you into kingdom come, but if you adhere
to the flight paths and observe the signs you should have no problems.

Breakdowns and Accidents

In the event of a breakdwn, stay in your vehicle, engage your cloaking device and call the AA.
Accidents rarely occur during space travel these days, but if you are involved in a shunt,
your vehicle should remorph immediately. However, accidents during time travel could leave
you horribly mutated, so leave the pet fly at home.

Speed

Keep to the speed limits, especially in built up areas like solar systems, never exceed the
the statutory 4 million light years a second.

Other Road Users

Just keep out of the way of the Garexi warriors, right!

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Nicked from 'SMUT - The Alternative Comic'