The Joy Rider
Pedestrians
Walking is sad man!!
Drivers
Being under age, you are lucky that the laws of the road don't
apply to you,
so you can drive like a fucking lunatic.
The vehicle
Ideally, your car should belong to someone else.
General driving
Drive as fast as posible, preferably through council
housing estates.
Drink a bottle of cider, or sniff a few tubes of glue before
you set out on the road.
If for some reason you need to stop, use only your
handbrake and make sure you
complete a full 360 degree turn otherwise you're
a geek! Also remember to remove
at least six inches of rubber from the tyres
when pulling off.
Breakdowns and Accidents
If your vehicle breaks down rip out the stereo
before setting fire to it on some wasteland.
Always carry a cassette tape of
your fave sounds which may be used to bring you out of a
coma following an
accident.
Speed
It's fuckin' brill ain't it?!
Other Road users
Coppers
The Woman
Pedestrians
Walking is most advisable for lady drivers, preferably
whilst pushing a shopping trolley,
pushchair, or other object that doesn't
cost hundreds of quid to repair.
Drivers
It is often claimed that women drivers are far superior to men,
these claims are backed
by insurance companies who insist their records show
there are fewer women involved in
accidents than men. What the records fail
to show are the number of accidents caused by
women who drive away
inocently, unaware of the carnage they have left behind...So there!!
The vehicle
Before you drive off you must make a number of essential
checks :
1. Make sure your seat is adjusted so that you are so close against
the dash that your
tits are squelched up against the windscreen.
2. The
colour of the car doesn't clash with your outfit.
3. There is enough petrol
to get you to the shops and back (at least 3 quaters of a tank).
4. You have
your driving slippers on.
General Driving
Junctions, roundabouts, pedestrian crossings and traffic
lights are potentially lethal
hazards and can cause panic attacks, so
approach them with caution, take as long as you like,
there's no
rush.
motorways are really dangerous places with great big lorries and cars
doing over 40MPH,
avoid tham. If you accidentally take a rong turn on the
way back from picking the kids up
from school and find yourself heading down
the motorway either :
a. Panic and reverse back up the slip road.
b. Panic
and carry on down the hard shoulder until you reach the next exit.
c. Carry
on down the hard shoulder until you find a suitable spot for a picnic.
Breakdowns and Accidents
If you breakdown, cry and accuse your husband /
boyfriend of being a pig for not servicing
your car properly, then ring the
AA for a prompt, preferantial lady on her own,
five minute call out, even
though you are only a street away from home.
Speed
Nothing more that 25MPH, unless you are late for an Anne Summers
party, then drive like
Damon Hill.
Other Road Users
Other road users are other people who are on the road
at the same time as you...not that
you'd notice!
The Piss Head
Pedestrians
Fuck walking!...It's far too complicated and besides, with
all that swaying about,
walking backwards and momentary halts to say "fug
arf yer basts", it not only takes ages
to get from A to B, but it's also
twice the distance. So use the car instead!
Drivers
It's a well known fact that when you're as pissed as a cunt you
become a much better driver.
Your eyesight improves enormously when you've
had a face full of booze which means you don't
need to use your lights if
it's dark. In fact for the most of your journey you don't even
have to look
where you're going at all. And if you do need to concentrate on the odd
sign
or blue flashing light, you usually find one eye does the job
sufficiently enough.
The Vehicle
The car itself is generally much easier to drive whilst
under the influence of a pint or ten.
Gears become virtually redundent, you
can go for miles in first which saves effort on all
that unecessary shifting
and changeing. You don't need the brakes either when you're half
cut because
you don't need to stop, apart from at the end of your journey, and then they
are usually that you overshoot your destination by a mile or
two.
Indicators, mirrors, seatbelts, fuel gauge...all unecessary accessories
that you can do
without, because of your alcoholic enhanced driving skills.
General Driving
Junctions, roundabouts, pedestrian crossings and traffic
lights are potentially lethal
hazards, so get past them as quickly as
possible.
Motorways are brilliant, there are four lanes (including the hard
shoulder) to choose from.
They're so wide that if you miss your turn off, you
don't need to piss about doing a three
point turn, you can do a U turn.
Watch out for road works; you can test your driving ability
by seeing how
many cones you can knock over.
Breakdown and Accidents
If you breakdown, get out of your car and kick
fuck out of the wings, if it still fails to
start try again, and again, and
again until you are arrested.
In the event of an accident leg it.
Speed
If you can get hold of some, it will improve your driving even
more!
Other Road Users
Fuck 'em!!
The Fogey
Pedestrians
A pedestrian is what you used to be before the war.
Drivers
Being an old aged pensioner and having fought numerous wars for
your country you have the
Right to tootle about at a speed more accustomed
to the 1920's than the 1990's.
And because you lost various limbs while
fightiong in these wars you are entitled to display
an orange sticker which
allows you to park anywhere, confiscate footballs that roll under
your car,
and use a bead seat cover thingy.
The Vehicle
Your car should be a brand new bottom of the range economy
diesel, that does about 300 miles
to the gallon. It should be cleaned
thoroughly at least three times a day, even though it is
garaged and you only
use it twice a fortnight to visit you son / daughter who lives a mile
away.
General Driving
Make sure you have your mono wireless tuned into Radio
Arthur Askey and turn it up to full
so that you can ahrdly hear it. When
reversing out of your drive take at least an hour and
make sure you hit the
gate post three or four times as you shunt back and forth.
Whilst driving to
your offspring's at the regulation 10MPH as is suggested in you
1922 AA
Handbook. Do not use the clutch, it's just one of those unnecessary new fangled
gadgets.
Breakdown and Accidents
Don't worry about breakdowns, you only do fifty
odd miles a year. Unfortunately during those
fifty miles it's likely that
you'll cause hundreds of accidents, but again don't worry,
Like the woman
driver, although you cause them, you don't actually get involved in them.
Speed
Speed is a thing for spitfires and Donald Cambell.
Other Road Users
Other road users are those people who keep hurling
abuse at you and make gestures using their
fingers.
The Road Rager
Pedestrians
Run the bastards down!
Drivers
You have the right of way in every conceivable situation and if
any cunt objects then cave
their fucking skulls in.
The Vehicle
Your car is a battering ram!
General Driving
You are the king of the road, you can jump lights, nick
someone's parking space, cut up other
drivers, blind folk with your
headlights, tailgate and queue jump, but if anyone tries it on
you, you'll
twat 'em!!
Breakdowns and Accidents
Breakdowns are a pain in the bastard arse and
happen just to annoy you. If anyone comes near
you if you break down, they
become an accident.
Speed
Speed comes in handy when you need to catch the wanker who tried
to out stare you at the lights.
Other Road users
Cunts!!!
The Future
The future isn't with us yet, but it will be one day, so
here we take a look ahead and
speculate as to what tomorrow has in
store
Pedestrians
Whats a pedestrian?
Drivers
Make sure your driver is well oiled and regularly make back up
copies of it's hard drive.
The vehicle
Most vehicles these days are thought programmed and can
morph into various shapes and sizes.
The new Ford ô§ßµ for example is a
family saloon, an estate, a pick up, a star figter and a
milk float all
morphed from a piece of matchbox sized morphoplast(TM).
General Driving
In most modern vehicles you don't generally need to
drive, just think about where you'd like
to go and your droid will whisk you
off. The main hazard with space travel is the Gorexi
warriors from Beta Zone
198735 who will try to blast you into kingdom come, but if you adhere
to the
flight paths and observe the signs you should have no problems.
Breakdowns and Accidents
In the event of a breakdwn, stay in your
vehicle, engage your cloaking device and call the AA.
Accidents rarely occur
during space travel these days, but if you are involved in a shunt,
your
vehicle should remorph immediately. However, accidents during time travel could
leave
you horribly mutated, so leave the pet fly at home.
Speed
Keep to the speed limits, especially in built up areas like solar
systems, never exceed the
the statutory 4 million light years a second.
Other Road Users
Just keep out of the way of the Garexi warriors, right!
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Nicked from 'SMUT - The Alternative Comic'
