[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 7 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 3 -- OUROBOROS [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [-- 1 - Int. Empty pub ----------------------------------------------------] [A caption appears on screen: THE AIGBURTH ARMS, LIVERPOOL. NOVEMBER 26th, 2155] [Enter CUSTOMER] CUSTOMER All right? Anyone servin' or what? BARMAID [OOV] With you in a minute, luv. [Both speakers have distinct Liverpudlian accents] [FX: baby sounds] [Enter BARMAID, appearing behind the metal grating that seals off the bar area] BARMAID 'Ello, Frank, pet. What can I get for you? CUSTOMER Look at this - a just found it under the pool table. BARMAID Any note? CUSTOMER No, not'in'. BARMAID Oh! They've written its name on the side, 'ere. 'Our Rob, or Ross' CUSTOMER Yeah, look at the way it's spelt - they must've been thicker than a ticket tout's wad. Couldn't even decide on a name. BARMAID Aw, poor little mite. I wonder what'll become of 'im? Som'thin' terrible, no doubt... [-- 2 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------] [LISTER present. He appears to be giving himself something of a hygeine overhaul. Tufts of cotton wool protrude from his ears, presumably to soak excess ear wax. Shaving foam covers the right-hand side of his face and in one hand he holds a razor which he runs down his jawline while brushing his teeth with his other hand. This completed to his satisfaction, LISTER picks up a pair of cooking tongs and, fully anticipating agony, pulls out an overtly protruding nasal hair. He cringes> LISTER I hate doin' that - I *hate* doin' that. LISTER Smeg! I've just sneezed out my cap! [Enter KRYTEN. He carries a washing basket and fresh bedclothes] KRYTEN Just thought I'd change your linen before you turn in for the night, sir. LISTER Kryten, something terrible's happenned: I've lost my cap. KRYTEN No, no, here it is, sir. I've just finished giving it its monthly scrape. LISTER My *tooth* cap... the one you made from the skeleton in the medi-bay. KRYTEN Oh, I see. LISTER Heyy, here it is. I need some glue to stick it in; I've just got that needly, pointy thing - I look disgusting. KRYTEN Let me see - LISTER No, no - I look all needly, pointy and disgusting. KRYTEN Let me see, sir. I'm a mechanoid, for goodness' sake. I won't be revolted no matter *how* you look. LISTER Okay. KRYTEN Oh my god, it's hideous! LISTER Yes, yes, very funny - just fix it. KRYTEN It'll take about half an hour to prepare some dental adhesive. LISTER Oh, gimme some wood glue - you can re-do it in the mornin'. KRYTEN Wood glue? Are you sure, sir? I don't want you to get your lips glued together, now be careful! KRYTEN Oh, incidentally, I just found some old clothes in one of the storage lockers. LISTER Eyyyy, I need a dressing gown. KRYTEN Well, that's what I thought. I thought if I remove the trim, and let it out a little bit, obviously dye it, well I think it could be just dandy. LISTER Yeah, nice one, Kryts. KRYTEN Oh, perhaps I could take the necessary measurements now, sir? LISTER I wonder why guys have nostril hair. KRYTEN I think its nature's way of telling you its time to buy a flat cap and a pair of driving gloves, sir. LISTER Worst, are those guys who just let it grow. They look like they've got, like, half a loo-brush lodged up each nostril. They look like those machines that shine your shoes. KRYTEN Curious, isn't it, that most women aren't similarly afflicted. Obviously I'm excluding women who work in Oxfam shops. LISTER Hey, it evens itself out, doesn't it. Women have the agony of childbirth and we have - LISTER - this. LISTER They don't know they're born! They don't! LISTER What is *wrong* with me? Now I've got a box of floss attached to my face! [Enter CAT. He takes in LISTER's dressing gown, cotton wool ears, and dental floss arrangement] CAT Heyyy... nice outfit. LISTER Did you come in 'ere for a reason? CAT Oh yeah! Something's showing up on the long range scan which is *weird* with a capital 'we'. LISTER Can you be a tad more scientific? CAT Come again? KRYTEN Er, is it a 'wibbly thing', or a 'swirly thing', sir? CAT At this early stage I'd hate to commit myself and wind up looking a fool! Come see for yourself. [Exit CAT] LISTER 'Wibbly thing', or 'swirly thing', and he refuses to commit himself... He's losing it, he really is. [Exit KRYTEN, LISTER] [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------] [CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present, at stations] KRYTEN It's some kind of power surge that's causing a major disturbance in the fabric of Space-Time. CAT It's also causing a major disturbance in the fabric of my pants! LISTER It's almost like a tear... KRYTEN Perhaps a temporal rift? CAT I'm gonna turn this tub around a try to out-run it. LISTER Get real, man - that thing out there's going faster than a copy of 'Hello!' in a nunnery. KRYTEN Suggest we treat it like a tidal wave, sir, and head straight for the 'eye of the storm'. LISTER Cat - CAT Pshhh! LISTER Go for it, man. The eye of the storm. KRYTEN We seem to be through the worst of it! But I'm picking up some kind of subspace energy disturbance down on the engineering deck. [-- x - Int. Starbug engineering deck ------------------------------------] [This is a dark and quiet corridor within Starbug, with one particular feature of interest: where once was one section of the side wall, there is now a shimmering, pulsating wall of blue light] [Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, CAT] KRYTEN According to the psi-scan, the membrane between two realities has temporarily collapsed. This is some kind of 'hyperway', through non-space to a parallel dimension. LISTER Let's have a goosey... [LISTER steps tentatively into the Way, followed by KRYTEN and CAT] [-- x - Int. Within the Way -----------------------------------------------] [LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present. The Dwarfers walk slowly along a ethereal blue tunnel, seemingly constructed of misty azure laser light. It manages to convey a suggestion of being structurally unsound, giving slightly beneath the weight of their steps] KRYTEN Careful, sir. The linkway's about as stable as an Italian taxi driver who's got stuck behind two old priest in a Skoda. CAT What the hell *is* that? KRYTEN 'Non-space', sir. An abyss of infinite nothingness, where Time doesn't seem to exist. LISTER Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night... [-- x - Int. Within the Way -----------------------------------------------] [LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present] P.LISTER How's it going? LISTER You're a hologram... P.LISTER Hard light. LISTER So, in your dimension Lister died? P.LISTER In the radiation leak that wiped out Red Dwarf. LISTER Well, why didn't you get put into stasis like me? What happenned? P.LISTER Remember coming back from shore leave on Mimas..? LISTER I'd taken a couple'a days off to get over Kochanski. Yeah, I remember... [-- x - Int. Red Dwarf customs area --------------------------------------] [We cut to flashback. RIMMER present, standing in an embarkation corridor in a Red Dwarf customs area. This is the Red Dwarf pre-accident, and is pretty much as it was in series 1/2 time - masses of dull, grey metal and bored JMC staff. RIMMER stands at the end of the corridor, close to the customs desk. He is peering down the corridor, out of shot, and holds a recognition card marked "Smeg head"] [Enter LISTER. He pushes a trolley before him piled with bags] RIMMER Where the hell have you been? I've reported you as A.W.O.L. LISTER I've been on shore leave, man. Didn't you get my message? RIMMER You're supposed to apply to a superior officeer before you get shore leave, Lister. LISTER Look, give me a break. Ever since Kochanski split up with me I've needed some time on my own, okay? RIMMER Kochanski dumped you? LISTER Yeah. RIMMER She really dumped you? LISTER Yes! RIMMER But you didn't tell me! You should have told me! Are you really heartbroken? LISTER I dunno, I dunno. RIMMER You are, aren't you! LISTER Okay, yes! Yes! RIMMER Didn't I tell you you'd never bridge that class division? Take her: navigation officer, cadet school, Space Corps., well-spoken, can stay awake during operas, knows her cheeses. She's class. And you? What are you? I don't mean to sound cruel but in comparison you're scum. And second-rate scum, at that. LISTER I used to be fourth-rate scum - I've dragged meself up by my bootsraps, bub. RIMMER Listy - Listy - RIMMER Your type isn't Kochanski, Listy. It's someone called 'Tiffany'. It's someone who drinks Campari and soda and wears orange crotchless panties; someone who thinks Deely-boppers are funny; someone who says 'sumfink' instead of *something*, and laughs like a freshly wounded moose strapped to a cement mixer. LISTER This from a man who's had less sex than a lettuce... RIMMER Oh, har har. LISTER Rimmer, people who say 'har har' have no sense of humour, they just can't think of a witty retort. RIMMER [beat] Oh, har har. RIMMER Ah, Ms Kochanski, ma'am. I don't suppose you've read my proposal for a new Space Corps. salute? It's just, I'm trying to get the support of the officers to have it replace the conventional one. I don't want to pressure you but it *is* rather important, because if you like it, that brings the overall total of officers who are right behind it up to... one. KOCHANSKI Rimmer? RIMMER Yes, ma'am? KOCHANSKI Have sex with someone and that's an order. RIMMER Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am. LISTER 'Ere: LISTER Ring this number, say I sent ya, tell 'em it's an emergency. [Exit RIMMER, flustered] KOCHANSKI Hi LISTER Mmm. KOCHANSKI I just wanted to say, look, I'm sorry... for the 'Dear John'. It was cowardly. LISTER Oh, that! Sorry, I'd completely forgot. It seems like years ago. KOCHANSKI It was last week... LISTER Was it? KOCHANSKI Mm-hmm. LISTER Must've got over it - LISTER - just like that. KOCHANSKI Oh come on, Dave! It's just, we weren't going anywhere! LISTER How could we? We never got out of bed. KOCHANSKI Look, there's more to life than hanging out in your bunk, eating delivery curries and having fantastic sex. LISTER Frankly, I find that very hard to believe... KOCHANSKI I just wanted to see if we could be friends... LISTER Do you mean give it another go? KOCHANSKI No, no. I'm, er, back with Tim now. LISTER Tim?? That guy is such a poser! The way he always wears that white suit and that big white floppy hat... KOCHANSKI He's a chef! LISTER Yeeaahhh, but the way he always poses around, in the officers club, smoking those black cigarettes. Such a phoney. KOCHANSKI Do you know what you'll get for smuggling a cat on board?? LISTER What, cat-martialed? KOCHANSKI I'm serious! As serving N.O. I'm supposed to report this! LISTER So report it, I'll only go into stasis for six months. KOCHANSKI Don't you know how dangerous it is to smuggle in an unquarantined animal? LISTER I was lonely - I'd just been dumped by my girlfriend... KOCHANSKI It breaks every reg. in the manual... [-- x - Int. Waste disposal area -----------------------------------------] [Enter KOCHANSKI. This is a dingy area of the ship decorated with gloomy paintwork and large industrial machinery] KOCHANSKI Just don't get caught or I'm out cold for six months, okay?? [-- x - Int. Inside the Way ----------------------------------------------] [Cut back to present time. We are once more withing the shimming blue linkway] [LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, P.LISTER, P.CAT, P.KRYTEN present] LISTER So you didn't get put into stasis, and died with the rest of the crew..? P.LISTER Then Holly brought me back as a hologram. LISTER So what happenned to Kochanski? P.LISTER They found the cat, and she got six months in stasis. LISTER Does that mean... [Enter KOCHANSKI. Like LISTER, she has changed somewhat since her days on board Red Dwarf. Rather than cling to the Space Corps. (like Rimmer with his uniforms) and to her Officer's status, the Parallel KOCHANSKI could be said to be dressed for action. Her dark, shoulder-length hair is arranged and fastened atop her head, and she wears a shiny, tight-fitting red catsuit] KOCHANSKI Hi. LISTER You look great! KOCHANSKI You look pretty amazing yourself... KOCHANSKI So in this dimension you didn't die? You're an alternate version of Dave... LISTER Well, I like to think of myself as the definitive version, y'know? Honed to perfection by Time and evolution. KOCHANSKI I can see why you think that, yeah. KRYTEN Sirs, er, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours before the dimensional tear self-repairs and we loose the linkway. I suggest we might spend some of that time exchanging supplies and information. P.LISTER We could update your hydrogen ram-drive to a tachyon-powered engine core? CAT And in return, maybe we could unscrew all those old pickle jars you can't open! KOCHANSKI There is *something* you could do for us... LISTER Yeah? KOCHANSKI At some point I want to have children. It's a slightly pervy thing to ask, especiually seeing as we've only just met, but perhaps you could - LISTER Yeah..? KOCHANSKI After all, we've been... y'know, lovers... Perhaps you could - LISTER Yeah?? KOCHANSKI Fill this up. It's a self- gamet-mixing in-vitro tube. I'm... already in there; it just needs your... contribution. LISTER So it worked out for you guys, then. LISTER Congratulations. KRYTEN Gelf ship! Somehow they've managed to infiltrate non-space! P.LISTER Chris! Give me your hand! LISTER Hang on to m' feet, man! CAT It's gonna give! [-- x - Int. Starbug Medi-bay --------------------------------------------] [KOCHANSKI present, unconscious on the medi-bay's bed, LISTER anxiously hovering over her. Her eyes flutter open, and she wraps her arms around LISTER and pulls him close to her] KOCHANSKI I thought I'd lost you! LISTER I think you've mistaken -- KOCHANSKI Shh! KOCHANSKI You were saying? LISTER Forget it... [Enter KRYTEN] KRYTEN Oh dear! Er, sir, I think, er, Miss Kochanski's under the delusion that you're -- LISTER Er, not now, Kryten, man. KRYTEN But you don't understand me, sir, you see Miss Kochanski thinks that you're -- LISTER I can handle it, okay! Now go and make some sweet tea or something! KRYTEN B - Permission to speak, sir? LISTER Permission refused! KOCHANSKI Wait a minute... this isn't the medi-bay... LISTER I think you must have mistaken me for *your* Lister... KRYTEN Well, *that's* what I've been trying to tell you all along, sir! LISTER Were you!? KRYTEN If only you'd listened to me, I could have saved you from all that yukkiness. KOCHANSKI Is that the kind of guy you are? Someone who'd take advantage of a woman who's half-insensible?? LISTER I was gonna tell you, honestly! But they always told me in school it's rude to talk with your mouth full. KOCHANSKI Wait, you mean I'm *stuck* here with you? Priscilla, Queen of Deep Space?? No way! I've got to get that linkway back! LISTER It's not exactly possible at the moment, we're under attack. [Exit KRYTEN, LISTER] [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit --------------------------------------------] [CAT present, at the helm] [Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI] CAT It's back on our tail! LISTER What is it? CAT Some Gelf battle cruiser. KRYTEN They've sent a scan, sir. Take a look. LISTER Oh my god, it's the missus. KOCHANSKI The what? KRYTEN Mr Lister's Gelf bride. CAT We all went to the wedding, it was just beautiful. KOCHANSKI He married this?? CAT He had to. KOCHANSKI You mean..? LISTER We were in a bit of a fix! We needed an engine part! KOCHANSKI You should visit the orang-utan house at London zoo sometime, your eyes'd be out on stalks! KRYTEN Wait! They're opening comms channels - Er, sir? They're demanding you return to your bride. In Gelf law, seperation is impossible without special dispensation from hhakk-akhhaak- kkhhak, hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk. Chief Justice of hakhakhk- aahkahkh-hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak-kak-akk-hakkakak. KOCHANSKI Okay, patch me in to the NCN and I'll lay down an S-S line. CAT You'll *what*, officer B-B? KOCHANSKI Quadrant 4-niner-2, stroke G8-7, moving across to quadrant 2 to Q4-1 stroke 9. Just, follow my co-ords. CAT Your cords? KOCHANSKI Yeah, my co-ords. CAT You want me to follow your cords?? KOCHANSKI Is that a problem? CAT Now, you're not talking about trousers, are you..? KOCHANSKI Co-ordinates... CAT Co-ordinates! Thank you! KOCHANSKI Twenty degrees starboard from this next burg... They're right on our tails. Hold this line... keep holding... *keep* holding... lift now! CAT Really snazzy! [-- x - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------------] [LISTER present] [Enter KRYTEN. His general atitude and short, heavy movements, show that he is obviously agitated about something] KRYTEN Still no sign of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. We're fast running out of time. LISTER I know. It's good, isn't it! KRYTEN No, sir. I don't believe it is. LISTER What, don't you like her? KRYTEN I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a... bossy old trollop she is! KRYTEN She knew that was you *all along*, sir! She was merely trying you out to compare you with *her* Mr Lister. Pshaw! Apparently, he's quite something. Initially a soft light hologram, that's made him 'sensitive and caring in a way most men aren't'. LISTER What, you mean he can remember anniversaries and stay awake for several seconds after sex? KRYTEN He's 'every woman's dream guy', sir. He even enjoys shopping for shoes! LISTER Jesus... KRYTEN A human male, who's prepared to have in-depth discussions about... relationships... LISTER Eurgh! KRYTEN We're talking about someone about someone 'quite exceptional' here, sir. LISTER Where does that leave me? KRYTEN Well that leaves you trying to help me get her - get her back to her rightful ship. She can't stay here, sir. She just can't! LISTER {Kryten, man}, are you okay? KRYTEN I just know we're not going to be able to get rid of her! [KRYTEN's voice has dramatically changed - it's now very high pitched, like he's on the verge of bursting into tears] LISTER Why's that so terrible? KRYTEN She's gonna take you away from me, I just know it! LISTER What?? KRYTEN I took her a glass of milk while she was showering... *I've* *seen* *her* *naked*! LISTER So? KRYTEN She's got all those 'in and out' bits that you like... LISTER Kryten, no matter what happens, you and me - we're compadres; amigos. KRYTEN But that's all going to change if she stays! You'll end up liking her more! LISTER I won't. KRYTEN You will! LISTER I won't! KRYTEN You will! LISTER I won't! I won't! I *won't*! KRYTEN You promise? LISTER I promise. KRYTEN So if she walked in here now, and, and took all her clothes off, and said "Oh, make love to me, you horny dude", and I said, "oh, perhaps you'd prefer to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?" What would you do? LISTER [beat] What kind of sheets would they be? KRYTEN Well, those nice cotton ones with the pattern. LISTER What, blue stripey ones or the green square ones? KRYTEN The green square ones. LISTER So, it's making love to Kochanski, or folding sheets with you? [beat] Can I do final fold and stack? KRYTEN Absolutely. LISTER Well it'd be the sheets, then. KRYTEN Oh! She's standing there all naked with all the in-and-out bits going all inny and outy? LISTER It'll be the sheets, Kryt. You and me. Hospital corners. KRYTEN Really? LISTER Too true. KRYTEN [beat] You're lying!! You're just trying to make me feel better! Ohh! Why can't she be more like Mr Rimmer? He was perfect! he didn't have any in-and-out bits, hardly at all. LISTER There's no one I care more about than you, okay! KRYTEN I'd never dump you like she did! Never! LISTER It's not gonna change. KRYTEN Never? LISTER Never. KRYTEN [beat] You're lying!! LISTER I'm *not* lying!! KRYTEN Yes you are! I'm gong to end up on my own again, just like I did on the Nova 5! LISTER You killed the crew, Kryten! No wonder you ended up on your own! All right, it was an accident, but nevertheless... KRYTEN But what about before that? it was the same on the SS Augustus. LISTER They all died of old age! KRYTEN You see!?! [-- x - Model shot-------------------------------------------------------] [-- x - Int. Starbug Cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [CAT, KOCHANSKI present, at stations] [Enter KRYTEN] KRYTEN I thought I'd, er, lend a hand and see if I could help you get out of here. KOCHANSKI I've got a positive trans-dimensional trace but I still can't re-establish the linkway. I'm sure it's something to do with electro- magnetic phasing frequencies. CAT You took the words right out of my mouth! KRYTEN Have you tried inverting the signal? KOCHANSKI We'll need a power re-route in the auxiliary power drives. CAT I'll take care of that! ... Whatever it is. [Exit KOCHANSKI] KRYTEN It's the, er, big red button, there, sir. CAT Hey, officer Butt-Babe, about that power simillililillum-inuminim drive? Taken care of. [-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------] [KOCHASNKI present, working at a pertable terminal] [Enter KRYTEN. He sits at a second terminal] KOCHANSKI [pensively] You don't like me, do you? KRYTEN Ma'am? KOCHANSKI You don't, do you? KRYTEN Ma'am, I think it'd be more efficient if we spent our energies trying to re-establish the linkway. KOCHANSKI But why -- KRYTEN Please! KOCHANSKI I mean -- KRYTEN Ma'am! KOCHANSKI I need to know why! KRYTEN Do you indeed? KOCHANSKI Yes. KRYTEN Well, you're not good enough for him! That's all. Okay, he may walk around smelling like a Balti house laundry basket, but he doesn't need the likes of you swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow, and bewitching him with all your... in-and-out bits. All pointy and unnecessary! KOCHANSKI [beat] You've got big problems, you know that, don't you? KRYTEN Well, at least I don't have a ridiculous walk. Unlike some people. KOCHANSKI Ha - Have you seen the way *you* walk?? KRYTEN I have a perfectly sensible walk! At least I don't walk like this: KOCHANSKI Phaser frequency 434 - we've got it back! KRYTEN What? You're right, that's it! KOCHANSKI I can leave! KRYTEN You can leave! [-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present] KRYTEN Champagne, everyone! if this doesn't deserve a celebration, I don't know what does! CAT What are we celebrating exactly? KRYTEN You've found your crewmates at last - how wonderful! KOCHANSKI Thanks, Kryten... KRYTEN I must go and find the others. [-- x - Int. Gantry within Starbug --------------------------------------] [LISTER, KOCHANSKI present] LISTER This is for you. Just pop that in the uterine simulator in your medi-lab and... bingo. KOCHANSKI Wow... LISTER Our child... KOCHANSKI I'll... you know. LISTER I know. KOCHANSKI As soon as it's old enough I'll tell it all about you - LISTER Just make it understand why I'm not there, I don't want it ending up like me. KOCHANSKI What happenned to you was really rough. The pool table, no note, no explanation... LISTER I think that's why I spent most of my early life drifting, y'know? I didn't have anything to look to cos I didn't know who I was, where I came from. Just those two names they couldn't decide on calling me; 'Rob' or 'Ross'. KOCHANSKI Well... I'll look after it. You know I will. LISTER Yeah, I know. [Enter KRYTEN, interposing himself between them to get to the gantry railing] KRYTEN Excuse me, sir; just doing a spot of dusting here... [-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------] [LISTER, KOCHANSKI present] KOCHANSKI Look, this is probably a long shot but if we can hit the right settings it may be possible to communicate trans-dimensionally. LISTER See ya... KOCHANSKI Bye. [Exit KOCHANSKI] [Enter KRYTEN, CAT, carrying boxes] LISTER What's this? CAT Supplies from Butt-Babe's ship. LISTER No, *this* KRYTEN Well, it's the symbol for 'infinity', sir. The snake, eating it's own tail and thus completing the everlasting circle of life that has no beginning or end. LISTER What's it doing on 'ere? KRYTEN The crate used to contain batteries, sir. Ouroboros batteries; everlasting. LISTER Ourobo-what?? KRYTEN Ouroboros, sir - it's the name of the symbol. CAT What is it, bud? LISTER Ouroboros... It wasn't 'Our Rob or Ross', it was Ouroboros..! CAT What was? LISTER The message that was written on the side of my box! CAT You came in a box? That explains everything. LISTER I know who my parents are... I know who I am... I understand, now! KRYTEN Explain, sir!? LISTER The in-vitro tube, the one that Kochanski's got. The frozen embryo - it's me! At some point after the baby's borm we must go back in time and leave me under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms. We wrote Ouroboros on the box to explain! I'm my own father... and Chris is my ex-girlfriend and my mum! CAT You should write a letter to Playboy, bud. I bet you anything it'd get printed. LISTER I've gotta get that test tube back. [Exit LISTER] [-- x - Int. The Way ----------------------------------------------------] [P.LISTER, P.KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present] [Enter LISTER, running to catch up] LISTER Mum! Wait! KOCHANSKI What? LISTER I need the in-vitro tube! It's me! [The Parallel crew are too far away to hear properly] KOCHANSKI It's what?? [Enter KRYTEN, CAT] KRYTEN The Gelfs are back! LISTER What are you doing? KOCHANSKI I'm gonna jump! CAT You'll never make it! LISTER Chris, no!! P.LISTER Christine!! KRYTEN We've lost her, sir. LISTER No. No! P.LISTER Christine!! LISTER Yeah? KOCHANSKI [Mic.] Hi, it's me. LISTER Hi - KOCHANSKI [Mic.] I've decided to stay; just, one proviso - LISTER Yeah? KOCHANSKI [Mic.] Save my life, okay? [-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------] [Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, running to the cargo stores and tearing lids off containers as quickly as possible] LISTER Cargo bay; looking now! LISTER What's this?? KRYTEN It's mountaineering equipment from Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. LISTER A crossbow? KRYTEN I thought it might come in handy next time we run into your wife. KOCHANSKI [Mic.] You've got about 20 seconds before I'm out of reach! CAT Rope? LISTER Yes! Yes! Yes! [LISTER sprints OOV] [-- x - Int. The Way ----------------------------------------------------] KOCHANSKI [Mic.] I'm getting a *mite* panicky, here..! [Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN] KOCHANSKI Aaarg! KOCHANSKI Bastard! KRYTEN It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you. [-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present] KRYTEN I've brought you a drink, but don't think for one minute it means I've gone all mushy on you. KOCHANSKI I'm gonna get up, and work out a way of re-establishing that linkway. KRYTEN It's too late ma'am, the rift's self-repaired... [His voice again becomes tearful and high-pitched] KRYTEN We're *stuck* with you! KOCHANSKI I'm gonna try, *anyway*. KRYTEN Oh, ma'am - KOCHANSKI Yes, Kryten? KRYTEN Welcome aboard... KOCHANSKI Thanks, Kryten. [-- x - Int. An empty pub ------------------------------------------------] [Enter LISTER, holding a cardboard box in which is a baby, wrapped in blankets] LISTER For a long time, you'll think that you were abandoned, but you *weren't*, man. You were put here to create a paradox, an unbreakable circle. With us going 'round and 'round in time, the human race can never beome extinct. We're like... a kind of 'holding pattern'. I'll see ya, son. [Exit LISTER] [--------------------------- END OF "OUROBOROS" ---------------------------] Bonus points if you noticed that there were no opening titles in this episode! Indeed, this wasn't an oversight on my part - perhaps they were pushed for time... =) [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk". Thanks.]