RED DWARF Series VI Episode 5 "Rimmerworld" 1 Model. Starbug flypast. 2 Int. Starbug Medical Lab. KRYTEN is pressing buttons on a control panel, while RIMMER lies on a bench. KRYTEN (Moving to the end of the bench) Well, that's finished the tests sir. We just have to wait while the Navicomp processes the results. Unfortunately I have had to allow for the fact that you cheated at your eye tests. RIMMER (Sitting up) What do you mean, cheated? KRYTEN There's no point in lying sir. You crept in here last night, knowing you were going to have a medical, and you copied the eye charts onto your shoes. RIMMER I admit I might have taken a peek, but I'm a competitive man Kryten, always have been. That's what makes me what I am. KRYTEN We're all perfectly well aware of what you are sir. Oh, the results. (Moves over to the panel, and returns with a small piece of card) RIMMER (Standing) Ah, everything tickedyboo? KRYTEN Would you like to take a seat for a moment sir? RIMMER (Sitting on the bench) Problem? KRYTEN You don't have any next of kin, do you sir? RIMMER No, they all died of heart attacks. And not just heart attacks - aneurysms, strokes, brain clots, you name it. KRYTEN Are you of the school that, when faced with bad news, prefers to hear that news naked and unvarnished, or are you of the ilk that prefers to live in happy and blissful ignorance of the nightmare you're facing. RIMMER Ignorance, every time. KRYTEN (Very cheerily) Congratulations sir! You've come storming through your medical with flying colours. See you next time. RIMMER Everything's OK then? KRYTEN Absolutely peachy. RIMMER I want to know, Kryten, if there's something wrong. KRYTEN If there were something wrong, sir, I would tell you. RIMMER Even if I'd asked you not to? KRYTEN Well no. In that case I would lie and tell you everything was absolutely peachy. RIMMER Kryten, I want to know, that's why I asked for a medical. Is there bad news? KRYTEN Lie mode cancel. Yes sir, I'm afraid there is. RIMMER (Half sitting up, clutching chest) I knew it. It's the headaches isn't it. And the heart palpitations and the blackouts and the chest pains and the voices. It's something to do with that isn't it? KRYTEN Sir, when you died you were recreated as a hologram and your exact personality was refined to an algorithm and duplicated electronically. If that algorithm contained a flaw, that flaw would be duplicated also. RIMMER Flaw? KRYTEN It's not common, but it's possible for a hologram to die. RIMMER Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttock sandwich. KRYTEN As a result of both genetics and environment you are particularly prone to stress-related nervous disorders, and your activities over the past couple of years have pushed your brain to, well frankly beyond breaking point. (RIMMER starts breathing heavily, and moves over to what looks like a deep sleep booth) Your T count, which is the hologrammatic equivalent of blood pressure, is higher than a hippy on the third day of an open air festival, and if you wish to avoid a gigantic electronic aneurysm, it is imperative that you start on a program of relaxation. RIMMER I see, and you thought that the best way for me to start this program of relaxation was to tell me my brains are about to explode. You've got the bedside manner of an abattoir giblet gutter. KRYTEN Here's what I suggest. Try and avoid all stressful situations. Spend more time in your hard light form and take a little exercise. And here (moving over to a cupboard), try these Chinese worry balls whenever you feel anxious or tense. (RIMMER looks at the balls suspiciously) LISTER (Entering) Hey, maybe some good news. Come and check it out. (Leaves) RIMMER Er, Kryten, I don't want the others to know about this. I want you to behave as if everything's absolutely normal. KRYTEN As you wish sir. 3 Model. Starbug approaching Simulant ship. 4 Int. Starbug Cockpit LISTER There she blows. CAT Logging onto the ident computer. RIMMER (Entering, standing by LISTER's chair) What's this? LISTER We've come across the simulant ship we totalled a couple of weeks back. We're gonna try and board it for supplies. KRYTEN Is that wise sir? The scan says the superstructure is highly unstable and could go at any time. RIMMER What if some of the simulants have survived? CAT There's an old Cat saying: "If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones." RIMMER (Back in his own seat) There's an old human saying: "If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain." LISTER Look, we'll take our chances man, OK? RIMMER No K. They're cybernetically deranged mechanical killing machines. Not content with blasting their ship out of the sky, you now want to go back and steal what remains of their belongings? That's the metaphorical equivalent of flopping your wedding tackle into a lion's mouth and flicking his love spuds with a wet towel. Total insanity. LISTER Look, ever since that refrigeration unit packed in we've had to live off a few pathetic handfuls of moss and fungi scraped off passing asteroids. I can't stand it any more. KRYTEN Well sir, are you really saying you'd rather have a psychopathic mechanical killer rip off your skull and play your frontal nodes like a xylophone than have another bowl of my nourishing space nettle soup? CAT Buddy, I'd hand him the sticks and hold up the sheet music. RIMMER Lister, they are simulants. Why on Io should they have food supplies? LISTER Because the ident computer says they do. Look, stocked to the gills. KRYTEN (To RIMMER) It's true sir. Rogue simulants always carry large stocks of food supplies in order to prolong the torment of their torture victims. In some cases, they've kept subjects alive for over forty years in a state of perpetual agony. RIMMER If we wanted to live in a state of perpetual agony, we'd let Lister play his guitar. We don't. I say drive on. LISTER Kryten, what's for dinner? KRYTEN Tonight sir, asteroidal lichen stew followed by dandelion sorbet. LISTER We're going in. 5 Model. Starbug docking with Simulant ship. 6 Int. Mid section. KRYTEN (To LISTER) Sir, can't you see your behaviour is totally irrational? RIMMER In which case we can remove him from duty as per Space Corps Directive 1_9_6_1_5_6. KRYTEN 1_9_6_1_5_6? Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial? Hmm, I'm sorry sir, that doesn't quite get to the nub of the matter for me. (To LISTER) Sir, we have enough thistles and weeds and cultured fungus for you to scrum yourself stupid until the day you die. This foolhardy trip beggars logic. RIMMER Lister, we'd be fools not to listen to him. When is he ever wrong? Alright, he may have a head shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float but he does operate from a position of total logic and we'd be fools to ignore his sage council. KRYTEN At least let me and Mister Rimmer go in your place. We are after all merely electronic life forms and therefore expendable. RIMMER And what the smeg would you know, bog-bot from hell? LISTER There's something else. I didn't want to say in front of the Cat. (Quick shot of CAT) The reserve fuel tank got punctured when we crashed into that ocean moon. If we don't resupply, we're out of power, two, three days. KRYTEN (Checking a panel) But what about the readouts? LISTER I rigged the readouts. I didn't want to cause any alarm. RIMMER You rigged the readouts! You didn't want to cause any a.. (hyperventilates, and recovers as he grinds the worry balls) I can't breathe, I'm hyperventilating. KRYTEN Please sir, don't panic. RIMMER It's not panic, it's a full-blown hysterical fit! KRYTEN Grind those balls sir! Grind them! RIMMER (Grinding) So let me get this straight. If we board that ship and get captured, we're finished. However if we board that ship and don't get captured, but the superstructure disintegrates around us, we're finished. On the other hand, if we board that ship and don't get captured and the superstructure doesn't disintegrate around us, but we can't find any fuel, we are in fact finished. LISTER That's about the shape of it, yeah. KRYTEN After you with the balls sir. LISTER Look, we're out of options. We've got less choice than a Welsh fish and chip shop. We've got to board that ship, even if it is on the brink of disintegration. Let's just pray the crew are rotting in Silicon Hell with all the photocopiers. RIMMER Look, you three go. I'm not leaving Starbug. LISTER Fine, that's fair enough. Unless of course something weird and hideously ironic happens, like while we were away you get boarded by a rampaging torture party of crazed simulants in the rapid grip of bloodlust fever. RIMMER I'll go and pack. (Moves to the staircase) LISTER Bring your extra brown rubber safety pants. (RIMMER climbs the staircase) And your hard light remote belt, we need all the hands we can muster. 7 Model. Simulant ship. 8 Int. Corridor of Simulant ship. KRYTEN Lifesigns. CAT If one of those suckers bumps into me, he'll be lunching on laser, (Arms bazookoid) Last time we met I was wearing the same outfit, and no-one's gonna survive to tell that story. LISTER Listen guys, I suppose now's as good as time as any to tell you. RIMMER Tell us what? LISTER We can't actually use the bazookoids. They're for psychological reasons only. Look, the scan said that the superstructure is so unstable that even a load noise could start a shipquake. That's why I skipped chillies for breakfast. (Reacting to the others' stares) Why are you all looking at me like that? CAT Like what? LISTER Like I'm a nostril hair in a Spanish omelette. RIMMER Why didn't you tell us? LISTER Didn't wanna cause any panic. RIMMER You didn't want to cause any p.. (Hyperventilates, then slowly recovers as he grinds the balls) Let me get this clear in my head. If we meet one of these totally deranged killing machines, we have to engage them in combat silently? What do we do, whisper "charge", tippytoe up to them all screaming "shhh" and chloroform them with Lister's armpits? Priceless. 9 Int. Another corridor. The crew move carefully along, in the order LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT and RIMMER. LISTER (Spotting) A teleporter. KRYTEN (Checking the controls) Hmmm, fully functional. CAT Let's grab what we can and load up. RIMMER Quietly. We see LISTER and CAT loading the teleporter, and a variety of crates materialising in Starbug's mid section. They drop a crate. Worried faces as the noise echoes throughout the ship. KRYTEN It's not gonna hold much longer sir, we'd better make this the last batch. LISTER One more trip Kryten, let me get one more crate of that red hot West Indian red pepper sauce. In the background, the female SIMULANT from "Gunmen of the Apocalypse" lurches through a doorway, causing more rumbling from the ship's hull. She doesn't appear to be in very good shape. KRYTEN Shhhhh. SIMULANT (Pointing her weapon at the crew) Well, if it isn't my old friends, the human vermin, the scab of slime, the pus-sucking, puke-laden walking cesspits of unspeakableness. CAT She remembers us SIMULANT Annihilated my ship, slaughtered by fellow simulants, and you practically destroyed me. Yes, I remember you. CAT (Pointing at the SIMULANT) There's one thing you should know. Last time we met I was wearing a cute little black number with peach trim and gold spangles, and although it looks like I'm wearing the same outfit today, it is in fact an entirely different cute little black number with completely different gold spangles. KRYTEN That was an important speech sir, and it needed to be made, but might I suggest that from this moment the rest of the discourse is conducted by those with brains larger than a grape. CAT (To LISTER) Take it away, bud. LISTER OK, let's knock on the door and ask for Ronnie Real. This is a classic stalemate situation. You can't use your weapons and neither can we. Let's chalk this one down to experience and we'll be on our merry way, yeah? Actually, as far as psychotic deranged ruthless killer simulants go, you're a bit of a babe. What are you doing tonight? SIMULANT Dying (Shoots ceiling. More rumbling from the ship). Care to join me? Behind the SIMULANT, RIMMER can be seen. He has spotted an escape pod, and is trying to sneak into it. LISTER's words are aimed at RIMMER, not the SIMULANT, who does not realise this. His words become more desperate as the conversation continues. LISTER Hey come on, let's just talk, OK? We didn't start any of this, and I think that maybe NOW is a good time to sit down and parlez. (He is starting to get annoyed) Let's not hang around, just get on with it. SIMULANT There is nothing to discuss. In sixty seconds you'll be dead. LISTER You can't be serious. SIMULANT I'm totally serious. LISTER I don't believe you're being serious. SIMULANT I do not understand why you're having such problems grasping this concept. I'm a totally ruthless amoral killing machine so why, in the name of all that's putrid, don't you believe I'm serious. LISTER I'm going to say this one more time. You've still got a chance to change your mind. Think about it, everything we've been through, does none of that mean anything to you? RIMMER launches the escape pod. The corridor collapses onto the SIMULANT. LISTER Cheers Rimmer! He's started a shipquake! KRYTEN The superstructures disintegrating! CAT The teleporter! (They all step onto the teleporter platform) KRYTEN I must warn you sir, the teleporter's not calibrated for human tissue. There's a twenty percent chance you'll be turned inside out when you materialise. CAT Let me check my lining. Innards and lavender, I can carry that off. They dematerialise. 10 Int. Mid section. As LISTER, KRYTEN and CAT materialise, we see the PAST CREW seated around a table. CAT What's this? KRYTEN Don't you remember sir? This is a week last Thursday. In the panic I must have made a programming error. PAST KRYTEN (Standing) For goodness sake Kryten! Don't you know how rude it is to burst in on an earlier version of yourself without warning? You've made our day totally surreal now. I'm very cross! KRYTEN Pardon my paradox. It's just that the simulant ship you're about to encounter PAST KRYTEN (Interrupting) We don't know what we're about to encounter. Don't compound your temporal faux-pas by telling us our future. PAST RIMMER Where's the rangy, handsome one? LISTER What, you? You scarpered in that escape pod, you slimy, triple-faced, back-stabbing Judas. PAST RIMMER Ah, I'm safe then? Thank God for that. PAST KRYTEN (To PAST RIMMER) Don't talk to them! (To KRYTEN) You see what you've done now! Just get back to your own damn time line! KRYTEN Here we go then. PAST LISTER Well, be you later. LISTER, KRYTEN and CAT dematerialise. 11 Int. Starbug mid section. LISTER Let's get out of the landing bay. It's gonna blow! 12 Model. Starbug taking off from the Simulant ship, which then explodes. 13 Int. Cockpit. CAT All in all, a hundred percent successful trip. KRYTEN Sir, we lost Mister Rimmer! CAT All in all, a hundred percent successful trip. LISTER Can't believe he did that, not even Rimmer. KRYTEN Sir, I didn't get the opportunity to tell you before, but earlier today I discovered that Mister Rimmer is suffering from a stress-related nervous disorder. LISTER Next time I see him he'll be suffering from a fist-related teeth disorder. 14 Model. Escape pod disappearing into the distance. 15 Int. Cockpit. CAT Incoming message. RIMMER appears on a monitor, looking rather pleased with himself. RIMMER My escape plan worked then? CAT What escape plan? RIMMER The valiant plan whereby I set off the disintegration of the ship's hull by bravely leaping into the escape pod thereby creating a diversion, so you could (pauses) Actually, how did you escape? KRYTEN Well, the teleporter. RIMMER That wasn't the only way, but as good as any I suppose. Still, I'm sure no-one's forgetting the sheer manliness and stiff-upper-lippedness of the diversionary part of the plan and to hasten with all speed the recovery of the modest hero of the hour. LISTER Actually, Flash, that might be a bit of a problem. RIMMER What do you mean? LISTER You're accelerating away from us - way above our top speed KRYTEN I've logged into your ident computer sir. Rogue simulants looted the pod from a colonisation seeding ship constructed in the 25th Century. There are no controls as such, it is programmed to take you to the nearest planet with an S3 atmosphere. RIMMER How long is it going to take to get me back? KRYTEN (Checking a scanner) Ah well, let's see shall we, checking the local area. Er, no, nothing there. Going to mid-range. Er, still nothing. Going to long range ... long, long range ... long, long, long range. Ah, here we have it, just computing. RIMMER Well? How long? KRYTEN Have you still got those Chinese worry balls sir? RIMMER Yes. KRYTEN Well start grinding them like you've never ground before. RIMMER How long? LISTER Let me tell him Kryten. RIMMER How long? LISTER (Smiling) A year and a half. RIMMER That's ridiculous! You've got to find a way of getting me back. KRYTEN Well we could try to bring you down with a round from a laser cannon, sir. CAT Form an orderly queue behind the gun-sight. RIMMER Another way! KRYTEN Sir, there are no other options. CAT (Spotting something on a scanner) Wait! Something's happening! Course change! LISTER (Checking his own screens) Check. Your guidance system's found a nearer S3 planet. It's taking you through that wormhole at 4_9_5_3_7_2. KRYTEN Ah, that's a lot better. You should make planetfall in four days. RIMMER Isn't there some kind of a time dilation problem when you go through a wormhole? KRYTEN Well, yes there is. Since you're travelling through a compressed space, time will move more swiftly for the object passing though the wormhole. One minute on this side of the wormhole will represent many years on the other. RIMMER So, is that good? KRYTEN Balls on standby sir. RIMMER More than a year and a half? KRYTEN Er, yes sir, a little more. RIMMER How much more? KRYTEN Well, let's not beat around a bush, a lot more. RIMMER Kryten, that's still beating around the bush. Just tell me. KRYTEN Well, remember that medieval war sir, that lasted quite a long time. RIMMER The Thirty Years War? KRYTEN No, not that war sir, the other one. RIMMER The Hundred Years War? KRYTEN Now take that figure, and multiply it by six, and then you'll come up with your golden number sir. RIMMER Six hundred years! CAT (Disbelief) Pinch me! LISTER We're losing contact, any minute. RIMMER Six hundred years with just myself as company, I'll go raving mad! CAT There's and old Cat saying, but you don't want to hear it right now. LISTER On the upside, according to your inventory the pod's stocked with solar accelerators. That should keep your hard-light drive going as long as you need. KRYTEN And as the pod was looted from a seeding ship, there may even be emergency terraforming equipment on board, possibly even with a genetic capability. RIMMER But I'll never survive, I'm not the Robinson Crusoe type. I'm lousy at woodwork, I'm no good in the wild. Do you know, when I was at school it took me five terms to make a tent peg? How long's it going to take me to build a two storey home with running water and a balcony stroke sun patio? Six hundred years! I won't even have finished planing the wood! LISTER Losing contact, any second. See you in eight lifetimes. KRYTEN One last word sir, remember your condition. Whatever happens, try and avoid stressful situations. Whatever befalls you, try and greet it with a smile on your lips and a song in your heart. RIMMER You are a total, total, complete and utter, total, total, complete and utter total... (fades out) 16 Model. Pod entering wormhole. 17 Int. Cockpit KRYTEN Well, he's gone. LISTER So, what do we do now? CAT Nothing we can do, I know for a fact there's no champagne. (smiles) KRYTEN On our side of this time dilation phenomena it will appear as if Mister Rimmer has gone for just a few hours, but from Mister Rimmer's point of view, he will have to wait six entire centuries for us to reach him. LISTER To hell with the champagne, we can celebrate with urine resyc. 18 Model. Pod in atmosphere. This is followed by a montage of images, following RIMMER's monologue. RIMMER This is the personal log of Space Corps hard-light hologram Arnold J. Rimmer. Day 1: After landing, I ventured forth to explore the place I would be calling home for the next two thirds of a millennium. A desert planet, the only life forms the most basic single-celled protozoa, and me. Relationships would be difficult, but not impossible. I repaired to the pod, to appraise the supply situation. The pod had indeed been looted from a seeding ship. Among the supplies I found two strange devices, labelled "Eco-Accelerator Rockets". I held out little hope that they might improve my lot, but launched them anyway. For six days and nights the entire planet was wracked with storms, the like of which I had never witnessed before or since. Then, just as suddenly, they stopped. In just six days I had created my own world, lush and verdant. I had created "Rimmerworld". I was Adam, in my own Eden, and only one thing was missing, my own Jane. As I studied the pod's textbooks, my excitement grew. It seemed entirely possible for me to create a fully grown female clone, using my own DNA as a template. This of course created the most enormous moral dilemma. Technically, she would be my sister, and therefore unable to take me as her lover. After much soul searching, I reluctantly decided, "What the hell", I just wouldn't tell her. After months of careful nurture, the cocoon cracked. Something had gone hideously wrong - the clone was just an identical copy of me. I went back to the manuals, and tried again... 19 Model. Starbug entering wormhole. 20 Int. Starbug cockpit. LISTER There she blows, an S3 planet. CAT Navicomp locked. Entering atmosphere. 21 Model. Starbug in atmosphere. 22 Int. Cockpit. LISTER Got something. Try quadrant four-niner-seven-two. According to the scan, there's lifesigns. KRYTEN Confirmed. Thousands of them. Either Mister Rimmer had the incredible good fortune to land on a populated planet, or... CAT Or what? KRYTEN It's too hideous to contemplate. CAT Preparing to land. 23 Ext. Woodland on "Rimmerworld". LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN are seen walking through the woodland. CAT Wait, nasal alert! LISTER What, are you getting something? CAT I sure am. My nasal hairs are quivering like an opera singer's bosom on the high notes. 'RIMMER' GUARD 1 Halt, abomination! LISTER Rimmer? 'RIMMER' GUARD 2 Silence, travesty. LISTER Rimmer?? 'RIMMER' GUARD 3 Never have I seen such a hideously formed and un-naturally freakish deviant. LISTER Rimmer??? 'RIMMER' GUARD 4 Silence mutant! How dare you stand there and address a norm using that face. It's a revolting insult against nature. LISTER This might sound like a bit of a corny line, but (pauses) can't even bring myself to say it. 'RIMMER' GUARD Say what? LISTER Take us to your leader. KRYTEN Oh sir, how could you! 'RIMMER' GUARD Let the great one judge them. (The GUARDS escort the crew away) 24 Int. Throne room. The 'RIMMER' EMPEROR is seated upon a throne, with concubines at his feet. The back of the throne consists of a large 'H' sculpted out of a circular piece of stone. LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN are guarded by 'RIMMER' GUARDS. 'RIMMER' EMPEROR Who disturbs our royal snooze? LISTER Rimmer? It's us. 'RIMMER' EMPEROR Dear lord, what created such foulness. Is it the product of a marriage twixt woman and gerbil? LISTER Do you remember? Six hundred years ago? We used to be your ship mates, we've come to save you. 'RIMMER' GUARD We found them in the woods, your flared- nostrilness, and have brought them here to be tried as travesties. CAT (Whispering to LISTER) That ain't goalpost-head, he doesn't smell right. KRYTEN (Also in a whisper to LISTER) Agreed, he scans as organic, not hologram. the 'H' is an affectation. Possibly it has become a symbol of power. 'RIMMER' EMPEROR These deformed monsters are no sight for my concubines. My treasures of pulchritude, run along. (He gestures to one) Avert your eyes from her great beauty. (Uncovers her face, which turns out to also be that of RIMMER, and kisses her. She covers herself, and he clears his throat. We see a GUARD uncovering his face) Let the trial begin, before my jacuzzi water grows tepid. 'RIMMER' GUARD These three abominations stand charged on eight counts of gross deviancy. Not content with not looking like the true image, they flaunt freakish behaviour such as charm, bravery, compassion and (pauses) honour. 'RIMMER' EMPEROR Are there no sighs of normalcy in these wretches? No cowardice or pomposity, no snideyness or smarm, not even basic honest-to-goodness double-dealing two-facedness? 'RIMMER' GUARD Sire, these creatures did not even attempt to sell each other out for their own freedom - they lack even the most basic natural drives. 'RIMMER' EMPEROR How do you plead? KRYTEN Er sir, we wish to speak to the hologram known as Rimmer. 'RIMMER' EMPEROR (Arrogantly - very over the top) I am he! KRYTEN Not so, we are seeking the creator of your race, the father of your people, the first true Rimmer, the template for your species. 'RIMMER' EMPEROR Enough of this heresy. At the stroke of dawn take them out and kill them. And when you've killed them, burn the bodies, then bring me the cold ashes on a silver plate, with a glass of chilled sancerre. CAT (To LISTER) This guy's an animal. Doesn't he know it's red wine with cold ashes? (The GUARD escorts them away, pushing CAT in the process). 25 Int. Dungeon. LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN see a figure huddled in the corner under a blanket. He is grinding extremely small worry balls with his fingers. LISTER Rimmer? CAT Smell checks out. That truly is old toilet-brush hair himself. RIMMER Of course, I remember. (Pointing at each of them in turn) Custer! Derek Custer! Kit! Titan! CAT What's happened to him bud? KRYTEN How long have you been in here sir, in this godforsaken pit from hell. (RIMMER points at the wall, where he's been marking the days) Speed count mode. (Scans the wall) Five hundred and fifty seven years? LISTER What! You've been stuck in this cell all this time? CAT What happened? RIMMER Can you imagine a society composed entirely of me? CAT I'm trying not to. The last time I did that it took a week to dry the mattress. RIMMER Thousands upon thousands of back-stabbing treacherous hypocritical cowardly slime-mongering Judases. They overthrew me. When they found out they couldn't damage my hard light drive, they locked me in here so I could never threaten their insane lust for power. CAT Look bud, I can understand them locking you up, but what have they got against me, Derek and Titan? RIMMER Anyone who deviates from the template is reviled. The smallest physical flaw and they're banished from society, and anyone who displays behaviour deemed out of character or un-Rimmerlike is punished by death. LISTER Is that why no-one on the planet is brave, sexy, noble or charming? RIMMER All crimes here. CAT Man. I must be Public Enemy numbers one, two and three. KRYTEN But sir, don't they realise the only way any society can evolve is through mutations in the gene pool. When there is no richness or variety, congenital disorders and inherited lunacy are commonplace. Who can forget the famously insane European monarchies of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries. RIMMER Oh what have I created? KRYTEN Your very own personal hell. CAT Well, fun though its been hearing about your last five hundred years of total misery, shouldn't we be making skedaddle plans? I for one could not bear the prospect of being burned alive. Flames and peach! Ooh, I'd rather die. LISTER Have you tried escaping Rimmer? RIMMER The whole planet is populated with back-stabbing slimeballs. The minute I got out, I'd be sold back immediately. LISTER (Moving to the cell window) There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rip up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug. KRYTEN Or we could use the teleporter. LISTER Or, at a pinch, we could use the teleporter. They dematerialise. 26 Int. Starbug mid section. As they materialise, we see the FUTURE CREW, bar the FUTURE LISTER, sitting at a table. KRYTEN Oh, I've done it again. Two anomalies in one day, I must have accidentally tapped into the previous calibration. RIMMER Sorry about that, it's just that we're escaping from Rimmerworld. LISTER Don't tell them that, they don't want to know the future. Poor old Rimmer doesn't want to know he's going to get persecuted for six centuries by a load of his own clones. CAT Careful bud, for a minute there I thought you were going to let slip that he spends the next five hundred and fifty seven years locked in a dungeon. FUTURE RIMMER Rimmerworld? LISTER I'm saying nothing man, don't want to spoil the surprise. FUTURE RIMMER Rimmerworld was weeks ago. We're far more concerned at the moment about the quite hideous thing that's happened to Lister. CAT He's right bud, where are you? LISTER Yeah, where am I? I wanna know! They dematerialise. The End