Sources of Food
The following section is borrowed from the "Space Corps Survival Manual".
If you've crash landed on a hostile world, hundreds of thoudands of light years from civilisation, one of your first area's of concern (apart from the lack of of a video store with the latest blockbuster rental releases) will be to find some food. It's a serious problem, as statistics show that most emergency survival situations occur at least 248,000 light years from Earth, while most of Earth's Pizza Huts only deliver within a three mile radius. You do the maths.
Assuming you've crashed on a planet with no takeout restaurants (a statistical liklihood), you have 3 options :
1. Starve to Death
Inexplicably popular amongst survivors of space crashes. myself, I've never understood the attraction. It's the most sedentary of the three options, so i suppose appeals to those people who don't like excercise. It basically involves large amounts of sitting down and getting thin. Then death. I'd save this one as a last resort, if I were you.
2. Eat your Crewmates
My personal favorite, and is dealt with later on (see Cannibalism). The secret is not to think of it as cannibalism, but as a recipe based respect for the dead.
If you don't want to eat your crewmates, or you're a vegitarian (lets face it, most crews don't include even non-commissioned broccoli) then this is your alternative. You will have to find the means to survive on the surface of the planet you crashed on. Success depends entirely on the nature of the world you find yourself on. I once went down on a planet whose entire surface had been turned over to the cultivation of sweetcorn. But there was no butter, so I had to live on a diet of bumble bee's and head lice.
Over the last few decades, however, many unpopulated worlds have been seeded with the unwanted or excess results of genetic engineering experiments. some of these experiments have been well publicised - creatures such as the duck-billed oyster and the orung-u-rottweiler are now a common sight in our cities. But there are other, more obscure results of the genetic engineers arts you are likely to encounter off world - and which could well be edible. For example, gene splicing has given us :
A cross between a Tarantula and a Rhode Island Red that not only tastes great with sage and onion but means that every gets a leg.
Half mammal, half root-vegetable, great herds of these creatures can be found roaming the plains of planets in the Zsigsmos Sector, so be careful where you locate your campsite. Even in these enlightened times, "Trampled to death by Beetroot" on the death cirtificate can still raise a snigger.
An interesting gene-splice this, creating the entirely new species of lipus aquaticus - a wolf which provides a filling and nutricious meat dish except on those days of the month when there is a full moon, when it provides a filling and nutricious fish dish. Be careful not to eat this animal just before a full moon rises as having a meat stew transmute to boullibaisse inside your stomach is not a pleasant feeling.
An exciting development in the world of genetic engineering promises to revolutionise future field survival missions. Scientists say they have isolated the fabled Doner gene - the DNA combination that makes kebabs tasty and appetising despite the fact that anyone with half a brain can see they are grey and oily with the texture of a fungal infection.
Within five years, say the boffins, they'll be able to start using that gene to turn ANYTHING into a tasty and irrsistable snack treat (within reason - experts say that in the case of the Pot Noodle it will probably only work on certain brands). So on future survival missions we can chow downto doner cactuses, doner athletic supports, doner used cotton buds, etc. Bon appetit!
Preparing for the death of a friend or loved one is never easy. In a survival situation it is doubly difficult. But here are a few things you should do :
Cut up 3lbs of root vegetables and dice at least one full size onion. Bring a large vat of water to the boil. Boil your friend for at least an hour, stirring at regular intervals, and season to taste.
When it comes to eating people, recipes should be kept simple but delicious. As a pointer, these are the ones I get asked for time and time again....
Steak and Sydney Pie
Billy Con Carne
And remember : A friend in gravy is a friend indeed.
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This page was last updated 20th January 1998